Dear Samuel,
for the whole day of April 1st, I was on alert against jokes and pranks. But the biggest joke hit just after I had let down my guard, 30 minutes into April 2nd - you were gone. Unfortunately, it was no joke. I rushed to the hospital as soon as I heard, and the nurses had already cleaned you up and removed all your tubes. Lying on the bed in your hospital gown, you looked like you were just asleep; and I half-expected you to sit up and cry for mummy, something I've seen you do countless times. But you didn't, and even now, I look around and expect to see you running around with your toy gun, firing away at everyone unfortunate enough to stand in your path. I used to feign death when you fired at me, but I think you took the game a little too seriously this time round.
I cannot look at other children now without a tinge of resentment, that they get to be the things you'll never be, to do the things you'll never do. They will get to grow up, have girlfriends, rebel against their parents, sport a beard, and you'll never get to do any of that. My whole life, I will only remember snippets from your four short years of life.
I will remember how you educated me on the power-ranger-copy cartoon series MARS, which i previously thought was only a planet. I will remember your obsession with Thomas the Train. I will remember how you loved the Power Rangers, enough to want to wear your Power Ranger shirt the moment it was dry from the wash. I will remember your hopeless inability to differentiate the colours when you were two, even though the last time I checked, you could tell me what colour turquoise was. I will remember how excited you were when I brought you to your first movie, Zathura, enough to recite "ZATHURA!!" fifty times a minute even if you had no idea what it meant. I will remember how you were scared to bits by the monsters, and how you were a complete nervous wreck after the movie. I will remember the times I lost my temper at you, because you wouldn't stop crying.
I will remember all this and more, but it just doesn't seem enough. I wish I had paid more attention, taken more photos, and carried you more instead of insisting that you walk on your own. I wish I had scolded you less, and that the last time I saw you didn't have to be when I scolded you for ramming your motorbike into an auntie. Most of all, I wish you were back here with me, even though I know you're in a better place. Because I miss your smile, your badly pronounced words, and even your deafening and persistent cries.
But I'm grateful for the four-and-a-half years of joy that you have brought to my life, and I will remember every moment I can of it. I'm also grateful that your Meimei is so much like you, so I can give her a big hug when I miss you, so I can still see a bit of you in her smile. Ultimately, I'm grateful that I will see you again one day, this time forever. Until then, I'll miss you.
Lovingly yours,
Biao Yee
